Channeling grief after Henry

Death doesn’t end a relationship

On August 29, 2022, my son Henry was killed in an accident on his first day of college. You cannot imagine the horror of losing a child until it happens to you.

I began writing as I struggled to survive without my oldest son. And I haven’t stopped.

In my newsletter, I explore positive ways to channel grief.

If you’ve suffered a devastating loss, I hope some of what I share is helpful.

Thank you for being here.

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I have a wonderful relationship with my son Henry, who died in 2022.

That might sound crazy, but it’s not. Here’s why.

I knew my son for nearly 19 years and he’ll always be a part of me. That doesn’t change now that he’s dead… It often seems like he’s perched on my shoulder. I know how he’d answer a question. I can picture him lying on the sofa relaxing, maybe talking about the presidential race (he loved politics). I remember what he cared about: friends and family, social justice issues, and spending time in nature. He loved making people laugh and eating brownie sundaes.

I’ll be Henry’s mother forever and ever. That means keeping his memory alive. I do this by sharing stories and photos. Sometimes I light incense or a memorial candle. My family often brings him into the conversation. “What would Henry think if he were here?” we’ll ask. 

I work to support some of the causes he believed in. That’s why I became a poll worker in the 2022 election and then wrote about the experience. It’s why I’m volunteering again this election cycle.

I introduce new people (like you) to Henry through my writing. I also encourage people who love Henry to share their memories with others.

In Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, David Kessler writes, “Death ends a life, but not our relationship, our love, or our hope.

Simple ways to maintain bonds with loved ones

There are so many ways to maintain your relationship with a loved one who’s died. Here are some ideas to get you started.

• Buy a bunch of their favorite flowers. 

• Place their regular order at Starbucks. Be sure the barista calls out their name when it’s ready.

• Listen to a playlist they loved on your commute.

• “Send” them a birthday card or buy yourself the holiday card you wish they could give you.

• Bring them up in your conversations.

• Chat with them as you wind down from your day with a cup of tea.

  

Reader question

“I have two women friends who have each recently lost a child. I’m wondering what books you might recommend for me to send them?”

I found these two books especially helpful after Henry’s death.

Finding Meaning by David Kessler, which I quoted above, talks about all the ways to create meaning after a loved one dies.

I also loved It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine. She writes that grief, “is a natural and sane response to loss.” Her book makes it clear that we need to accept our grief because it’s part of us.

Thank you for reading. Please check out my other Substack posts.